


I Wish We Had More Time

by RebelWithHeartofGold



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Death, I cried writing this, I hate myself, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2019-01-09 12:53:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12276858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelWithHeartofGold/pseuds/RebelWithHeartofGold
Summary: Liam wishes for more time





	I Wish We Had More Time

**Author's Note:**

> I hate myself for writing this but I love this also.  
> TRIGGER WARNING

It repeats over and over again. Liam stares at the ceiling and tries not to go crazy, tries to control his impending thoughts that swarm his head. He can't help but feel pain in every inch of his body, he knows he's not hurt. He knows he's not physically injured or hurt. He knows it's all in his head, he knows he's going crazy. He can't help but go crazy. That night. He closes his eyes as he tries to stop the tears from flowing. That dreadful night that destroyed him. That destroyed his life.

 _It was all going fine. It was supposed to go fine. How did it lead up to this. Liam was clutching onto Theo's body as he held him close. He couldn't help but sob as the lump in his throat escaped. The tears streamed down his face freely and he couldn't help but run his hands through Theo's hair._  
_"Theo...Theo please stay awake. Please you'll get through this. Don't do this please," he pleads and tries not to let the tears blur his vision._  
_He wants to stare at Theo, only at Theo. Theo looks pale as his lips turn a shade of purple. Even looking like this, he looks like art and all Liam wants to do is hold him close and never let go. He wants to take away his pain. The sudden realization of Theo not going to be there anymore makes Liam shake as he holds back more sobs. Theo shakily smiles at Liam and reaches over and wipes away Liam's tears. Liam chokes back another sob and leans over and kisses Theo's forehead._  
_"Liam...we both know I won't make it," Theo whispers and leans away from Liam, coughing up blood._  
_Liam panics and tries to ease the pain by putting pressure on the wound on his abdomen. "No no please Theo. Just a little while longer, Scott is on his way and he'll help. He'll- he'll fix you," Liam pleads and keeps playing with Theo's hair, trying to ease the panic in his chest that's spreading through his body._

He clenches his eyes shut and the tears stream down his face, fuck fuck. It hurts, it hurts so much and the pain soars through deep in his bones and into his veins. He feels it aching through him and he can't help but place his hands on his head, clenching it tight, trying to make it stop. He needs it to stop, wants it to stop. But he can't, he won't. He deserves it, he deserves the pain. He deserves to feel pain and sorrow and utter heartbreak. He didn't save Theo, he couldn't save Theo and it's all his fault. It's his fault, he forced Theo to come with him, he forced him to go with him on the hunt.

 _"Theo please! Mason is busy with Corey and Scott and the pack are in college, busy," Liam pleads._  
_He got a lead on a hunt against a hunter that escaped and decides to go check it out, but not without needing backup._  
_"Liam, don't you think it's dangerous to go out without backup?" Theo questions._  
_"That's exactly why you're coming, I need you," Liam controls the beating of his heart, "You're a great fighter."  
Liam looks at him with his puppy eyes he knows Theo would surrender and agree._

_Theo tries to control himself and not fall for those beautiful blue eyes and that pout. Fuck he knew Liam has him trapped. "Fine fine. We would go as long as you make sure to let the pack know just in case you get hurt," Theo reasons.  
"Don't worry, none of us are getting hurt, it's one hunter and besides we are stronger together," Liam smiles and reaches for his phone to let the pack know of his whereabouts._

God, he was wrong. So so wrong he wants the bed to swallow him whole. He doesn't want to get out bed, he has been in his room for days and didn't bother moving, showering, changing, or even eating. He can't, he won't. It all hurts too much, it hurts too much to move because he feels a huge ache. He hasn't spoken to anyone in days, he's alone in his thoughts and they're eating him alive. He doesn't deserve to speak, doesn't deserve to be with others. Theo didn't have anyone but him when he died, his last words were to Theo and Theo only. He feels like he deserves Theo one last favor and keep his words to Theo only. He knows it's twisted and unfair to himself, but he can't help but be selfish this once. For him. For Theo. He turns his body and places his face on the pillow and tries to ignore the voices in his head. He tries so hard.

**You deserve this. You deserve the pain, you killed Theo.**

**Theo died because of you, he died saving you.**

**You should've been the one that died, not Theo.**

**You deserve more pain.**

**You deserve it all and even worse.**

He knows it's true, he deserves the pain and ache. He deserves to feel like he's worthless and undeserving of this life. He wants to cease to exist in this world. He wishes Theo was still here. He knows Theo would make it all okay, Theo always makes it okay despite him being an asshole, he was always his anchor that held him down and helped him calm down. 

The voices get louder and louder till they're screaming in his head and he's holding on to his sheets as he's about to feel a rise of panic. He can hear everything. He can hear the footsteps outside, he can hear the music blaring in the jogger's ears. He can hear the conversation across the street, he can hear the laughing. He can sense happiness and giddiness around him. He can sense the tiredness from the jogger and the happiness radiating off the strangers talking. He can hear everything and it makes the voices louder till they're screaming at him. Till they're screeching like a banshee, he feels like his ears will bleed but all he hears among the screams are the same words on repeat. 

**Your fault. Your fault.**

**Why didn't you save him?**

**Why did you help him?**

**He needed you.**

**He needed you and you let him down.**

**YOU LET HIM DOWN!**

The voices scream at him till he grabs his hair and roughly pulls trying to get the voices to stop, to get them to go away. They don't go away, they never go away. They'll stay, they always stay. 

 _"Theo! Theo no no," Liam rushed to Theo's side as Theo clutched his abdomen groaning in pain._  
_He noticed more bullet holes on his stomach and waist, Liam's heart clenched and he held Theo in his arms trying to take away the pain._  
_"Theo please let me take away your pain, please," he pleads and grabs his hand._  
_No black veins show and no pain goes through.  
"It's not-it's not going away, It's not working. Why isn't it working?" He panics and keeps trying._

 _Theo looks at him and softly smiles squeezing Liam's hand. "It doesn't hurt," he whispers and starts to slowly turn pale._  
_Liam's heart stops for a second and he starts to rub his thumb against Theo's palm. "No no please Theo stay. Don't go, please don't leave me," he quickly grabs his phone and sends a quick text to Scott and the pack._  
_"I just texted Scott and the pack, they'll be here. They'll come and save you. Just hold on a little longer," Liam kisses Theo's knuckles._  
_Theo softly smiles and rubs his thumb against Liam's lips._  
_"They won't get here on time, Liam," he starts to cough up blood and Liam desperately tries to wipe it off.  
Maybe if he wipes it off it'd be like it never happened, it'd be like it never was there._

He wishes it never happened, he wishes it all was different and Theo was here right now. He wishes and wishes, but it'll never happen. His heart aches and hurts so much because of the truth. He doesn't want to face the fact that he's gone. He's gone and never coming back. Sometimes he can smell Theo on his pillow and blankets. Sometimes he wraps himself in Theo's clothes that he left behind and Liam can't help but hold on to. He doesn't want to let go, he doesn't care if he is clutching on to Theo's hoodie and can't help but smell it hoping to catch Theo's scent. He panics over the day he'll smell it and it won't have his scent anymore. He knows he'll lose it. He already trashed his room when the blanket lost his smell, he doesn't know what he'll do if his clothes lost it as well. Theo smells like home. Smells like cinnamon, mint, and like Theo. He wants to hold on to that smell forever and never let it go. He holds Theo's sweater tight till his knuckles turn white and they start to shake. He wishes Theo was still here, he can make it all better. He always has.

 _Theo had his arm around Liam's shoulder holding him tight. Liam sighed and placed his head on Theo's shoulder._  
_"Do you wanna talk about it?" Theo softly asked, not wanting to force Liam._  
_Liam sighs, "It's stupid," he mutters._  
_"I'm sure it's not if it got you this upset," Theo rubs his hand on Liam's shoulder._  
_Liam feels at peace when Theo holds him like this and starts to calm down little by little._  
_"It's just school has been stressing me out lately and today this guy made fun of my thesis and said I was wrong and proceeded to call me off of it. I almost lost control," Liam explained._  
_Theo can smell the stress and anxiety of off him and holds Liam tighter, "That guy is a dick and your thesis was actually really good, I should know. Also what stopped you from losing control?" Theo asked._  
_Liam froze for a second wondering if he should tell him or not, "It was um it was actually you. I thought about how you would react and how you would probably roll your eyes and call me a dumbass for losing control and then punch the guy," he chuckles._  
_Theo laughs at that, "Yeah, sounds like me."  
Liam smiles wide and presses himself a bit more into Theo's warmth and if he sniffs him once it's not his fault Theo smells like his favorite things all wrapped up in one._

Liam tries to shut out those memories. The happy ones. The ones that makes him feel worse than he already is feeling, he hates himself for thinking of the happy ones; he doesn't deserve to be happy. He caused Theo to die. It's his fault Theo is dead and he can't think of a time where he was once happy with Theo when Theo is gone. Gone and dead. He's never coming back and Liam doesn't know if he wants to keep on moving. He doesn't deserve to stay alive when Theo is dead. But he knows he's too much of a coward to do it, too much of a coward to kill himself because that thought scares him. It scares him like hell. He knows the pack would be devastated. He doesn't want to cause them pain, doesn't want to do that to them. He sometimes thinks about Theo being here and wrapping his arms around him till he's wrapped around in his warmth again. Till he's carefree and filled with happiness from just being close to Theo. He knows Theo can be a pain in the ass and can be a total dick sometimes, but that's what made it more fun and better to hang out with him. He understood him and called him down even with his asshole attitude he managed to make Liam laugh. He hates how it ended this way, it gives him a pain in his throat that hurts to even breathe.

 _"Liam Liam please. I'm not going to make it. Just hold me, keep holding me," Theo pleads with tears in his eyes._  
_Liam realizes Theo is scared to die, that he's afraid that he might be sent back to hell. He's never seen Theo this vulnerable and now that he has, he wishes it would all go away. The only thing he can do, he realizes, is comfort Theo. He holds Theo close and places his head on his lap. He clutches on to his hand, "You'll be okay, Theo, I promise you. You'll be okay, I won't leave you. I will never leave you," Liam croaks._  
_It hurts to speak like that, it hurts to say these words when he knows it'll be his last words to him. He knows Theo wouldn't be here tomorrow and he forces himself not to think like that. Theo needs him. He needs him right now. Liam needs Theo just as much as Theo needs him. Liam runs his hands through Theo's hair and Theo leans into that touch._  
_"Liam..." he breathes out, it hurts for him to talk, "I always thought....thought of us...ya know?"_  
_Liam feels like he's about to burst into tears and chokes back the sob._  
_"Yeah yeah I know," he chokes out._  
_"Yeah?" Theo smiles, "I imagined us holding hands...and and kissing," he slowly says shutting his eyes._  
_Liam panics, "No no Theo keep your eyes open, please Theo for me. Keep them open," he pleads.  
Theo forces his eyes open, "Did you ever think about us being an us?"_

Liam rolls around and holds his pillow tight and hears footsteps coming towards his room. He holds the pillow over his head to block out the sounds, block out the light. Block out everything. "Liam? Are you okay?" Mason softly knocks on the door.  
Liam ignores him, turning the other side of the door because maybe he'll not be able to hear, maybe if he doesn't see he won't be able to listen.  
He can hear Mason breathing and he senses the feeling of sadness and grief. It just adds to Liam's ache because he's hurting everyone around him as well. He doesn't want them to feel pity or sorry for him. He doesn't want them to feel bad for him, he can't help but feel worthless and disgusted with himself. He caused this, he caused all this pain and it hurts to think about what he's doing to his friends. They visit him a lot, always outside his door knocking and insisting on letting them in. Letting them help him, but he can't. Not now, not for a while. They visit him and he can hear their breathing, their anxiousness and sadness radiating off them. He feels their pain but he can't help but not care, he's too deep in grief to, too sad. Too much in pain.

"Liam, please. We miss you, we-we want to help," Mason pleads.  
Liam doesn't move, doesn't speak. He doesn't want to speak, doesn't want to move from his position. He can't. He knows they want to help, knows they're trying to do what is right. But it hurts too much, it hurts for him to think this way because then he'll have to let go. He doesn't want to let go, he wants to hold on to Theo, doesn't want to let go. He fears if he tries to get better, Theo will fade away and he'll forget all about him. Forget his voice, his smile, his scent, his eyes, his hair, his everything. He doesn't want to forget. Never wants to forget. He clutches on to the pillow as tears stream down his face and thinks of Theo. 

He is only at peace when he finally falls asleep. When his body is so exhausted it shuts down, he falls in a deep slumber. He dreams of Theo. His laugh, his smile. He dreams of them together, happy and smiling. He dreams of them in different universes. He dreams of when he's at peace. It's the only time he's ever happy till he wakes up and it hits him like a bucket of ice cold water. The hard cold truth hits him harder and the cycle repeats over and over. He tries to think of Theo. Theo. Theo 

_Liam and Theo are having their movie night by themselves laying down on Liam's bed. Corey and Mason canceled last minute for date night and Nolan and Alec decided wanted to play video games on their own. Liam feels like they did that on purpose so they can try to set them up because they know of his crush on Theo. Liam scoffs and tries not to blush when Theo puts his arm around Liam's shoulder to get comfortable. He tried to control his heartbeat and failed to realize Theo's heart speed up as well._

_They watched the movie together making comments and throwing popcorn at each other trying to aim for each others' mouths. They end up watching a whole marathon of Star Wars and by the time they were done, the sun was rising. Liam yawned and hit Theo on the face with a pillow because Theo pinched his thigh. Liam got ready for bed and handed Theo a pillow and blanket. He offered the bed countless times but Theo refused each time. He thought of asking him if he wants to sleep with him, but that would be inappropriate and Theo would probably be uncomfortable and disgusted. So Theo slept on the couch downstairs and Liam slept on his bed. Liam wanted Theo to lay down next to him and hold on to him and never let him go. He blushes when Theo squeezes his shoulder goodnight and softly smiles at him. He throws away his beating heart and hugs Theo close, placing his head in the crook of Theo's neck._

_"Goodnight Theo," he whispers._  
_He lets go and Theo is slightly pink with a dazed expression, he snaps out of it and places his hand in the back of his neck._  
_"Yeah yeah goodnight Liam," he nervously laughs and grabs his things, going downstairs.  
Liam lays in bed that night wishing Theo was right there near him, holding him tight._

Liam is alone in bed as he wishes Theo was here. He always will wish Theo is here. He can hear the soft knocks Mason is making but can't bring himself to open the door, he knows he hasn't seen Mason in a while, doesn't know how long it's been.  
"Liam, please," he can hear the desperation in Mason's voice and it make his heart ache and swallow him more, "it's been one month, please come out. We are all worried about you, I'm worried about you. You haven't been to school and haven't spoken at all. We all miss you," Liam can hear the sadness in Mason's voice and wishes Mason would leave so he can wallow in his self loathing and self hate. He wants to be alone, wants to let go. He remembers their last conversation, their last moment.

_Theo forces his eyes open, "Did you ever think about us being an us?"_

  
_Liam breathes deeply, he nods, "Yeah, yeah I did," he places his hand on Theo's face and Theo leans into the touch._  
_"I wish we had more time," Theo whispers softly, a single tear streams down his face._  
_Liam wipes away that single tear and softly shushes him, "We have all the time in the world," he lies.  
He knows it's a lie. They both do but Liam can't help but hope, hopes for a future where they end up together, where they move in together and stay. Where they hold hands and kiss, where they cuddle and have passionate sex and vanilla sex. Where they have their own place and stay together till the end of time. It all crashes down on Liam this will be the last time he'll see Theo. Last time he'll see his smile and beautiful green eyes. Last time he'll feel his soft dark brown curls. Last time he'll hold his hold his hand. Last time he'll feel his touch and smell his scent. Liam shudders out a sob and tears keep streaming down. Theo raises his hand and wipes Liam's tears away. All he has now of Theo is the memories and dreams. His clothes and truck. He doesn't have Theo, he has things that remind him of Theo and thoughts that fill his head. Liam's heart starts to break little by little. Liam leans down and places a gentle kiss on Theo's forehead. He can sense Theo's heartbeat slowing down and he tries not to panic and scream. He can't scream, Theo needs him right now._

 _"I care about you so much, you have no idea," Theo whispers._  
_"I care about you, too. So much," Liam nods and holds his hand tight._  
_Theo smiles wide, pained and yet Liam thinks it's the best smile he's seen._  
_"I wish we had more time," Liam croaks._  
_Theo nods, "Maybe we will in another lifetime, it'll be different. Maybe we'll meet in a coffee shop or in college or university. Maybe we'll meet at the mall or at a party. Maybe even where we are older and have jobs," Theo starts to cough up blood as it oozes down on his shirt and Liam's._

_Liam smiles brokenly and runs his hand through Theo's hair and places it on his cheek, "Yeah, we could meet when we are older," he croaks, laughing brokenly, "I could be a history teacher and you could be some hot shot lawyer or a doctor."_

_Theo smiles, it's broken and wrong, "Yeah yeah, I would," he coughs up more blood, "I would like that. That would be-be...nice," his voice sounds tired and his breathes are becoming shallow._  
_Even though Liam knows it won't help, he applies pressure on Theo's wounds and tries to stop the bleeding, still holding Theo's hand. He doesn't want to be with Theo in another universe, he wants to be with him now. He wants to be with him and wants him to stay and live._  
_"I'm going to miss you so much," Liam confesses._  
_Theo smiles with blood stained teeth, Liam feels like he's gonna collapse on the floor laying down next to Theo. "I'm going to miss you, too, so much you have no idea," he whispers._  
_Theo sighs softly, "Stay with me?"  
Liam smiles, small and painful. "Always," he squeezes Theo's hand and Theo squeezes his hand with a weak grip._

_Theo closes his eyes and his labored breathing becomes slower. Liam slowly starts to panic because he wants to save Theo, he wants some sort of miracle to come and save him. He wishes Scott or someone can barge in and save Theo. He wishes he wishes. But he knows it won't happen, he knows as he feels Theo's heartbeat slowing down, that it's too late. It's too late to save him now. Even if Scott came, it's too late. Even if the pack came, it's too late. It's too late and Liam curses the world and the hunter. He curses the hunter who is unconscious on the floor bleeding. He curses everyone who caused this. Liam kisses Theo's temple and keeps petting his hair and he can feel Theo's breath coming shallow and his heart beating slower. He keeps whispering to him, reassuring him. He wants Theo to be at peace, he wants him to go calmly knowing he was cared for and loved. It' the least he can do._

_"You can let go, Theo, you can let go. You'll be okay, you'll be okay. It's okay to let go. I'll be here, I'll be with you. Forever and always," he whispers in his ear._

_He kisses his temple and forehead one last time till Theo's heart stops beating completely. Liam doesn't know how long he stays holding Theo's body as tears stream down his face, silent and numb. He doesn't know how long he runs his hand through Theo's hair and whispers in his ear of all the things they could've been, would've been. He doesn't kiss his lips, never his lips. He doesn't want his first kiss with Theo to be his last, it would hurt. It already hurt too much. He doesn't know how long he keeps staring at Theo trying to memorize every single inch of Theo's face so he won't forget, he does't want to forget. He doesn't know how long he stays holding Theo's body. All he knows is that it's long enough for Scott to come, it's long enough for Mason and Corey to come. It's long enough for everyone to come and see Liam clutching onto Theo, never wanting to let go. He ignores the gasps and broken gasps that echo throughout the building. He ignores all of them and focuses on Theo. Liam remembers Theo, that's all he can see, hear, smell and touch is Theo._

He remembers Scott had to pry Liam off and hold him while they had to take Theo's body. Liam didn't want to let him go, didn't want to leave him. He promised he wouldn't, he promised he would be there for him. He remembers it hitting him that Theo is gone.  **he is gone,**  and screaming. Screaming till he collapsed on the ground as sobs raked through his body as Scott tried to calm him down. As the pack tried to comfort him, but Liam didn't want comfort. He didn't want anyone to try and calm him. Nothing could calm Liam down that day, he lost his anchor. A piece of himself died that day, a piece of him went along with Theo and it can never be replaced, never can mend. He imagines Theo over and over again and the hollowness in his chest grows until its a void he can't escape, doesn't know if he wants to because at least he feels something, he deserves to feel this pain because he couldn't save him. He couldn't save him. He couldn't save Theo and now its too late.

He wishes for so many things all with Theo. He wishes so badly that the hollowness grows until he feels a lump in his throat. He doesn't want to cry, doesn't want to feel anything. He wishes he was numb. He remembers when they buried Theo. Remembers when they carried his body, Liam couldn't look at him, but he did. He saw Theo's dead body. He saw the pale skin and purple lips he never got to kiss. He saw the pale skin he touched and caressed. He saw his hair still looking soft. He saw everything. He held onto Mason's arm, didn't want to let go because if he did he would fall. He would fall and wouldn't go back up for a long time, he would collapse to the floor and never want to get back up. He didn't speak to anyone and didn't answer when they asked if he was alright. He wasn't alright, it would be a long time before he even feels close to alright. He wouldn't be able to survive this pain. He doesn't know how he's surviving it right now. The last words he ever spoke was to Theo, whispered in his ear as he kissed his hair. 

_"I'll always be with you. I'll always be here. I'll never leave you."_

He doesn't know how long he'll stay like this. He doesn't know how long he'll feel like someone grabbed his heart and pulled it out. He doesn't know when he'll stop feeling numb. He doesn't know when he'll start to speak. He doesn't know. All he knows is he lost his time with Theo, he lost everything with Theo. He lost the one person who kept him grounded. The one person he deeply cared about and wanted more with. He lost Theo.

He lost his anchor, his possible lover, his big what if. He lost his could've would've. He'll regret it with the rest of this life, he wishes he had more time. He wishes he tried earlier, wishes he didn't take him to the hunt. He wishes he never went out in the first place. He wishes for so many things but he knows nothing will happen. He knows what happened happened. It could never be mended, he can never can go back in time and fix what he wishes to fix. Wish after wish he will continue to do so, he knows it will never come true and he can't help it. He'll always feel like a thousand needles in his heart thinking about it. He'll always feel like he's drowning in the ocean and never going back up, just continuously drowning and not being able to breathe.

He knows there will come a day where he won't feel pain, where he won't feel like a thousand needles in his heart. He knows there will be a day where he won't feel like he's drowning. He knows. But for now, he'll stay in bed, ignoring the outside world. Ignoring his friends, his family. He'll continue to feel like he's not worth it. He'll continue to feel like shit and continue to hate himself. He knows it won't be permanent but he knows it hurts now. He knows the hole in his heart will be. He knows nothing can fix it, nothing ever will. As he stares into the ceiling, he thinks about his memories with Theo and ignores as the tears stream down his face. He knows he'll meet Theo someday in another lifetime but that doesn't stop him from thinking he wishes that it was this lifetime, this dimension he can have Theo. He'll spend the rest of his life wishing for that. It's all he ever wanted, the only thing he'll ever desperately want.


End file.
